retail therapy 2dae

so went on a shopping trip wif enyu, craig, ben, jy at queensway...
got a jacket n shirt for des for his bdae present...ltr sms him to wish him hapi bdae...
haha...21 bdae n he's outfield...poor thing...
i got a black jeans oso for 35 bucks...quite ok for the price...
thou my dream jeans is the 523 levis series...cost 139 bucks..
not tt i carn afford..but is it reali worth to spend tt kind of $?
i m looking for comfort more den brand...
realise i got 4 pair of jeans n it costs a total of ard 140bucks...
4 for 1?haha
den wanted to get a pair of shoes...like the puma shoes but got flaws la...if get wet den quite troublesome..n hard to clean off the dirt..
saw this adidas street soccer shoes...v nice...everyone sae so...it's so nice tt a guy tt dun play soccer like craig got the same shoes as me....gay...haha
the price is gd...cheaper den the puma shoes by ard 15 bucks..
e onli complain tt i haf for the shoes is tt the cushion sucks...
but i still buy it la...
suddenli remember tt she sae b4 tt she bought something den when we were together n she wan to show it to me one dae...but tt was den...duno if she still remember but nvm la...
received a sms from her a few daes ago...she read my blog n asj me to take gd care of myself cos she sae tt i mae b pushing myself too hard...
even on a fren fren basis, i m touched...jus like when edgar ask me wat happened to my leg...
she still cares, even as a fren....had a great chat wif ks on sun nite...abt rs....an hr plus chat....haven chat on the phone for so long liao...
tmr going back to camp to do a bit of clearance n to fark the cpts n maj who r not doing their part for safety...
she sae her eye getting better le...less red...but she onli apply once a dae...b4 she slp...naughty ger...
noe how to ask me to take care of myself, force me to drink water when we were together cos she noe i dun drink water...
human r quite funny...seem better at taking care of others den demselves...
m i wrong to sae tt?
i duno....

my understudy sucks

went back to camp yesterdae...onli supposed to eat lunch wif S3, ks and find zc & kaiwei to tok cock...
but i end up teaching my undertsudy again...ask him got chance anot n he sae no den yet he duno how to do...
got the feeling he din try hard enuf n din spend enuf time on his work...
being a gd dy is not easy...der's so many things u need to noe...
sometimes work can cost u ur ger...maebi he tot tt being an offr is easy...jux use ur rank...
s3 wife is pregnant liao....gd for him..time to b father...but he a bit hot hapi...cos tink hard to juggle between work, wife etc...
he sae he's quite frustrated at home n ask me to do him a favour to teach my understudy well so tt he will haf an easier time in camp....will try to do him tt favour..after all he treat me quite well...going bakc to camp tmr for safety meeting n to teach my understudy..tink will spend one full dae der...haiz...
e ord function is quite boring...den receive a small plague n go home lor...nothing much abt it,,but sld still gif dem credit for recognising our contribution to the army...so i dun wan to bitch too much abit it..nothing much to bitch..
went to c my grandma after tt...initiali dun dare to...cos of wat happened last time ...scared it will happen again...but i still went...her mood quite gd yesterdae...chatted abit n laughed too..
den she ask me to go home n eat my dinner when her dinner came...
tink she's v independent...proud that she's my grandma..luv her...
my quads still hurt abit...tink not going for tkd trg 2nite...carn reali even squat down...
tink will stay at home n learn / revise my 4 patterns...by this wk i mux learn all the 7 patterns needed for my grading...
going out soon wif craig, enyu n jy...to shop at queensway...

it's being 2 daes since i blog...

fri nite went to tao payoh to teach tkd...
very rusty n carn remember all the patterns...still dun dare to fight...
so after tt, went home n d/l the tkd pattern needed for my grading...
will work hard at home...cos i reali wan to make it for the grading on apr 9...
shag...cos i went for a fast paced 5km run den wts b4 going for the fri tkd...
called her n tok to her like 5min b4 i went to bath den...
jux on a fren fren basis...jux wan to noe how's she's doing...
so sat was tuition n kevin's surprise bdae party at the american club...
all i can sae is he got a great sis, great bro n great famili...
perfect n model famili...
tink her sis reali put in alot of effort to make dix happen...
i mean getting ur ocs frens, unit frens, bmt frens, church cell grp frens, jc frens, relatives...
reali not easy lor...
e food was great...everything was perfect...
how i wish my sis do something litat for me..or my gf...
but dun expect much la...
different kind of pple...anyway, tink my sis quite nice liao..
as for gf, dun tok abt it liao..it's jux a dream tt my gf will org such things...
sun...play ball...finali after 2wks din play liao..but onli i went..cos my older bball mates not free...
but i noe the pple der so ok lor...
played like shit 2dae...passing is way off, shooting is not der...speed not tt...defence not tt...
super off form...duno y...dun wan to find excuses for it...
den afternoon went to play badminton n bball wif ch, craig, jy, enyu n des...
haven seen dem for quite some time...
had a wonderful time wif dem, except tt i got a knock in my quads by ch n jy..it's jux like i go ramp the 2 walls..damned pain lor
n i m still limping a bit now...hope it heals fast...cos i wan to carry on wif tkd...
next wk quite busy...got prog almost everydae...
tmr got ord function...tue got driving n supposed to go n shop wif enyu n co...wed got safety meeting in camp, thur n fri got tkd....sat feel like asking e guys to go sentosa...
haven being der for long time
c how lor

first tkd trg

ok so i went for my first tkd lesson...2yr break reali quite damaging...
my basic still der...
power of my kick drop by 50%
left kick totali gone...
knowledge of pattern totali gone...
sparring speed totali gone...
reaction time oso bcum longer liao...which is a no no in sparring...
mux make it like a reflex action...
ok so i got abt 5 wks to train b4 my grading on the 9 apr...
so i decide liao..tue, thur n fri nite will b tkd trg...
reali wan to get my black belt by july...
den wear my adidas black tkd gee and my adidas tkd shoes...
sky sae his gf brought him the tkd shoe liao...
haha...make me jealous abit...but i hapi for him la...at least he found someone i like...
2dae i dun reali dare to spare..lost the courage to spar...so my sparring sucks until i tink i dun deserve to wear the brown belt...
nvm la...train hard lor...i can do it in the past n i can do it now...jux gif me time...
thou maebi time not on my side...
4mth plus to 5 mth b4 my black belt grading...

a sad dae but suddenli got a bit of focus in life

hmm
woke up 20 min into the barcelona vs chelsea game...but i watched the whole match n i m glad tt o did so...
barcelona is jux superb....messi, e'too, ronaldinho....wat a triangle attack...chelsea was beaten flat at stamford bridge....haha...chelsea loser...yeah...
tink besides liverpool, barca is the other team tt i like bcos of their style of football...it's all abt flair n they r quite humble compared to chelsea....liverpool soccer jersey will b by adidas for the next season..tink will b damned nice...if reali nice, i will get it...cos tink the current reebok jersey quite ugly...c how lor...
went to c my grandma 2dae b4 my driving...but her mood v bad...maebi it's bcos she's waken up from her slp by the pple der to go eat some food...she raised her voice at me, bang the table, wanted to hit me...i nvm seen her litat in my whole life...e grandma i noe alwaes care for me n dote me...isit bcos she dun recognise me? i duno..but i m reali v sad after tt...but der's no one i can tok to except to blog...i jux stand at the platform in clementi mrt n stare into the empty space...i m reali v sad..jux duno wat to sae...kept tinking y did it happen tt way...in the past, if i m still wif her, i wld haf called her to tell her how i feel den...perhaps i need someone to console me to tell me it's not my fault...she's the onli 1 i tok to abt my grandma n e onli person i brought to c my grandma b4...but in the end, i din call her or sms her to tell her abt e treatment i jux got frm my grandma...she's busy wif her work n guess she's no longer interested in listening to wat happen to me le ba...
during the driving lesson, i drove quite fast...hit 60km/h...cos sad n dun feel gd den want to vent my frustration n surprisingly, i managed to change my gear quite smoothli..funny...
eva since last nite, i was tinking who the fark is 'qweqweqwe' the person tt left a msg in my blog...
onli my close army frens noe my blog, like ks, edgar, terrence, luke etc...
dun tink this 'qwe' is some one close to me...den how cum he noe my blog?
dun tink it's her...
der's onli 3 possibility i can tink of...
(1) some one tt duno me, n i duno ie jux happen to c my blog
(2) boon ping...(but he quite straightforward n will dare to put his name)
(3) her bf...she viewed my blog b4 n perhaps she din delete her internet history n her bf happened to c it when he's at her hse since her laptop is her com...
actuali wanted to ask her...but dun wan to make her tink too much...
c c lor...opinion is an asshole...i dun care wat u tink...jux dun mess wif me too much...
ks called me n told me tt his ex told him tt she may still haf a bit of feelings for him...while she's still attached...
y does it alwaes happen dix way?
someone will haf a change of heart while in a rs...
i told him i dun quite like dix kind of ger...cos i experienced it twice liao...but tink it from another pt of view, everyone has their rights to like someone tt dey tink suits dem...
n like wat i sometimes sae: a 3rd party in the rs is jux so tt e guy or ger can haf 1 more choice...as long as dey r not married can liao..
isit wrong to tink it dis way? maebi i sld try to b the person tt haf a change of heart in a rs...
sounds like a fucker rite?
i m going for tkd training 2nite...apr got grading n den july...
so i swear i will get my black belt den...jux need to get use to sparring n get my flexibility back den will b ok liao...jux need a few trg sessions...den i will go ntu n spar for their tkd team..gd way to vent ur fustration...miss kicking sandbag...
tink tmr mux go coffee bean wif papers n pen n do some review of my life...abit messy n lack of focus...

pink panther

supposed to met her 2dae...but well din get to meet her...
so i went out wif edgar, luke, kok heng, weihan n jack lor...to watch movie...
hmm...i managed to wake up at 3:30am to watch soccer...but onli watched a half...tink quite boring..so went to slp after tt...
pink panther was a damned nice n funny movie...
basicali rite from the start to the end, i m laughing all the way...
it's jux so lame n funny...it's a luke's movie...hahan quite a lot of pple watched lor...
thou der's a few moments in the cinema tt i tot of her...
cos we watched quite a few movies together...den got memories ma...will b gd if i m watching it wif her...der's a few movies tt i wan to watch...
final destination 3 & big mama hse 2...
saw sheena's friendster msg...
tink we sort of like neglected kaiwei...
tink he haven got over his discom thing...but understandable la...
where got so easy to get over?
mux jio him out one dae n let him noe tt we r still der for him...
2nite i going to wake up again at 3:30am
dix time will finish e whole match...
chelsea vs barcelona lor...sure power packed match
n i brought tibits n i going to chill some drinks b4 i slp...so tt i got cold drinks ltr...
perfect...
is her eye better? hope so

a bit disappointed

did some wts 2dae n ran again cos tot tmr meeting her in the afternoon so carn run tmr...
howeva duno y my sixth sense tells me that she will sms me n tell me she carn make it tmr...
n she reali did sms me to tell me she carn make it tmr...
y my sixth sense so accurate...
my shape start to cum out liao..at least tt's wat i tot...
called a few tuition agencies 2dae...hope can find some students...dey sounded quite desperate for tutors..esp when i sae i tink i can teach jc econs...
econ so hard meh? tink it's the gift ba..like some pple may tink music is easy but tink i wont eva understand music....
2dae my mum cooked a damned nice soup...i wish i can cook tt for her to try...
she will b shocked...e soup plus my favourite herbal chicken tt i cooked personali for her...
den was dreaming abit den...like i m back wif her, i invited her to my hse for dinner...den she ate the dishes i cooked den i told her i cooked it...guess will b a v pleasant surprise den i tink she will go learn cooking frm her parents n let me try her cooking the next time...
a beautiful dream isn't it? human mind is powerful rite..can dream so far...i smiled as i dream...siao rite?
guess she reali busy wif her work ba....guess i still trust her alot...appreciate the effort she's making to squeeze time out for me to tok to her...
esp when i guess i m no longer one of her few top priorities le...
i mean u got sch work, bf, famili, frens...tink i below frens ba...maebi even lower...cos dun tink she even treat me like a fren now...
i m trying to accept the fact tt i haf reali lost her...n she told me tt to reali like someone u dun need to b wif her...u jux wan her to b hapi...yes i noe tt...but if i carn even tok to her n noe how's she's doing n how e fuck i noe if she's hapi...
actuali tink i jux hope she can treat me as her gd fren...tok to me when she need, let me noe if she's hapi or sad....tell me wat happen to her recentli....n maebi a meal like once in a blue moon...
is this hard? guess this is all i ask for...noe not possible to b wif her...
i mean she oso wan to noe how i m doing rite? n she can read my blog..but i duno how's she doing...n tt's y i feel so bad now...
saw a foto of ks' ex n her current bf...her bf's ugly...
reali curious abt the trend...
y gd looking gers dun go wif gd looking guys...
i mean der's good looking guys wif nice characters ard ma...
hope liverpool win 2nite n hope i can wake up in time to c the real madrid vs arsenal match...
jux dun wan to slp so much...me like recentli alwaes slp at ard 1 plus in the morning n wake up at 10am...quite bad...den after tt read newspaper, n take a afternoon nap den go exercise den watch tv n online at nite...
had dix kind of life for 2 wks liao...sick of it...

.......

finali watched nba all star game live...
quite gd...the game was damned power...thou me quite surprise tt lebron james got mvp..
but the east fighted back from 21 pts down to win the game...quite a feat...tot dey we going to lose liao lor...miracle happen?
i duno...but i slowli dun believe in miracle liao...so tt last me all the way until lunch..
den it's newspaper n slp until i woke up jux in time to run...
saw some jobs in the classified..but now haven ord so dun dare to do lor
jux wan to ord peacefulli...so guess i wil jux hold until i ord ba
2dae ran abt 13km...from my hse to camp den back to my hse...n i din stop at all...
haha..drawing energy from sorrow n pain?maebi ba..
getting fitter n fitter...my jeans is now at my hip area..going to my backside liao...
feel like getting the levis jeans i saw...but dun wan to waste $...esp when i wan to go hols....
did a foto collage meant for my grandma last nite...but realise hard to print it out...
so guess will go n develop the fotos den do something nice for my grandma...
m i alwaes too late? it seem tt way to me...
supposed to tok to her 2nite...
den duno y i gave her e impression tt i dun wan to tok liao?
even if i dun wan to tok, i wont gif up the chance to c her...
ks told me tt he n his ex agree to met up once a mth to chat..very envious n jealous of him...
how i wish i can too...wonder y she's willing to met him den when she's wif me n now she's wif him n she die die dun wan to c me...isit bcos of the different characters tt we had?
had been depressed for abt 2wks liao ba...nvm been depressed for so long...
fuck man, qiyang u r a fucking loser...can u wake up ur fucking ideas? qiyang u r a fucker...
feel better now

bdae celebration again

haha..2dae is yet another bdae celebration...and once again it's so far..at seng kang...
huikeng's 21 bdae...at her hse n der's so many pple..from relatives to sec frens, jc frens n tink a few uni frens ba...played card game n did 120 push up...haha
but nvm la..it's all in the name of fun n treat it as gd arm exercise lor
den so heng...on my way back saw chee...carn believe it man..thou he's not e person i want to c den...
e onli takeaway from huikeng's party is it's reali beautiful if ur gf can celebrate ur 21 bdae wif u...
used to b possible for me...suddenli i got this tot...rather den 3 person get hurt..y not onli 1?
hurt will go away one dae...thou it can take a very long time...i duno
jux another tot of mind...
tok to her again...online...cos she sae she need business time den i try to help her...even ran down to the convenience store to check it out if der's 18 feb business time...
but as expected, dun haf...tot may still haf a chance...maebi miracle dun happen ba in this world or god dun like me at all...
if he like me, i sld not fail my psc scholarship interview n i wld now b overseas..starting a new life...n not in the state tt i m in now...
silli to blame god rite?
jux blame myself for being so useless ba...
no mood to blog liao..
jux hope i can wake up tmr at 8 plus cos i wan to c the nba all star game at 9..
tink it's 9...

zl party

wah...surprisingli i din blog yesterdae...
quite busy...woke up n went for a 10km run...den lunch n tuition n went to aranda country club after tt for zl party....
saw edgar's tot being published in the ST's forum...n he was so hapi..since i so free, maebi i sld write in oso...hahah...
den saw the stupid contact lense solution news...damned lor..it's the brand i use....so lucky!
msg her to let her noe cos i carn remember wat brand of solution she use n duno if it's inside the Chinese news paper....anyway, she din use tt brand so safe lor...
hate rain...esp recentli..so suay, alwaes gana caught in the rain...
actuali aranda country club is quite nice...the chalet is bigger den downtown east...
n perhaps it's the company tt counts ba...enjoyed myself yesterdae...e food, the fun, the card game with the vodka...
n i learnt yesterdae tt absolute vanilla plus lemon barley sucks to the core..like medicine...
the game was fun...e the ultimate punishment was a sucking n super disgusting drink..
imagine chocolate cake, plus oyster sauce n beer....all in one cup....
killer combination..even the smell is a turn off...n terrence managed to put it in his stomach...
tinking of how to celebrate my bdae..thou is still damned far away

msg her still

carn take it liao..
still worried abt her eyes n so i msg her...
she sae her redness getting lesser n lesser day by day...
but still worried abt her...n her eyes...
suddenli duno y i got this tot...
wld everything be diff i m not a offr in the first place...
blasted ben on thur online...cos he sae' wah orficer, so free ar'
carn take it anymore so i blasted him n gif him a piece of my mind...
while i m an offr by trg, i m a human too, a fren too...n it's jux a rank tt i wear..my whole camp noe tt i dun tok abt rank...even down to the men...so y did my fren ard me keep saeing : ' offr leh, so u mux do this do tt cos u r offr'
1 yr liao
n tink it's time for this to end...
if i m not a offr, i wld haf more time to spend wif her, to noe her better etc...n more time for the things tt i wan to do n more time for my famili members...
so m i regretting my decision to b an offr?
i duno, i dun tink so...e times in ocs, the experiences dis 2 yrs made me matured alot n dey were all memories..b it gd experience or bad experience...but it costed me a few things in life...
so is this wat dey meant by ' in life, u gif n take, u lost some, u gain some'
maebi ba
so late liao...tink slp liao ba..wan to wake up n run in the morning...
hope i can wake up

carn take it anymore

4th dae liao...din hear anything abt her...din msg her..din call her...din reali c her online n tok to her online...wonder how is she doing now..wonder how's her eye liao...haf the redness totali gone liao?wish i can sms her n ask her how's her eye liao..but tink she quite sick of me nagging at her n keep asking her how's her eye...can i control myself frm msging her?
suddenli dun y i m afraid tt if i dun sms her, dun call her or dun tok to her online, she will haf the feeling tt i reali forget her liao...tt's wat happen e other time in taiwan...i controlled myself frm smsing or calling her, noe it hurt her n it gave her the feeling i had forgotten abt her liao..
jux wan to noe how's her eye...maebi go drop her a sms ltr...
went back to camp this afternoon cos i tried to wake up in the morning but carn...
tink my understudy learnt quite slowly...hope s3 dun call me back again to teach him...
den gana caught in the rain...damned pissed...

need to wake up tmr earli

finali bk my driving test date thou abit late but better den nvm...on the 3 aug..at 2:45pm...at least i got the off peak hr timing...hope can pass on first try...
called s3 cos heard he looking for me..
den he kb to me tt my understudy abit cannot make it...
haiz guess need to go back n take a look tmr...told ben i going back in the morning
but how to wake up?
haf being waking up like 10 plus 11 daily...
my parents n sis all leave home quite earli..
saw her online again...3rd dae i din sms her or tok to her...
den reminded me of how she wld ask me to wake her up in the past so tt she can make it for those earli lesson..n her numerous offer den to wake me up in the morning if i need to...
n how i wld set my alarm to wake up me to call her frm my bed in camp den go back to slp again...
nvm la, if carn wake up tmr morning den go in the afternoon lor...
can start to c a v little bit of the v shape thingy near my hip liao
almost exercise daili n cut down on food intake...

2nd dae liao

mon the 13 feb 06 is a date i will nvm eva forget...
cos i did something tt i tot i will nvm do in my life n tt is to wait outside a ger's hse for a ger tt will not c me....maebi she tink i m scary or foolish ba
now is 11:41pm, 15 feb 06...2 daes haf passed...n eva since tt nite, after i saw how she's struggling wif her studies, as i walked back, i wondered to myself if i sld jux let her b n let her conc on her studies first...
2nd yr liao lor...uni studies is impt...if her result is bad bcos of me, i will regret...
she sae her exam is in apr..which is v soon...so i told myself i will try to let her live in peace n dun disturb her...
it's the 2nd dae tt i din initiate any sms, msn or call her....thou she sms me 2dae n we sent a few sms to each other...
2dae nuh replied me...dey sae tt i need to committ at least 2hrs every wk ( on wkdaes) for at least 6 mths if i wan to join dem as a volunteer...
tt's not too big a committment rite?
slp 2hrs less each wk wont die...so guess i will take up the offer...but hope to do it wif someone...her? i guess so ba..but it's jux a dream...
spent more effort trying to teach my cousin math 2dae..hope she understand wat i m teaching...n i will b contented
wanted to buy the puma shoes i haf being eyeing for very long liao n oso a nice big belt...
sld i buy on impulse or sld i buy to make myself hapi? if she's der, she will gif me her advice...
tinking wat sld i get for her bdae..21st bdae mux b special lor...
dun tink i sld get her something practical cos dun tink she will use bcos she dun wan her bf to b sad...wonder has she eva touched b4 or use the adidas 'handbag' tt i brought 4 her in taiwan....she's sae it's nice n she will use it...is it jux to make me hapi den?
maebi i haf worsen e situation such tt she dun even dare to b frens wif me now...
waited for her like 45 min in the afternoon jux to c her eyes...still abit red near the eyeball area...
20plus daes le ba...jux pray it heals fast...tink tt's my wish for now...
one of her sms made me wonder how imperfect n fuck up i was as a bf den...
is she reading my blog now?
seriousli i dun wat she's tinking deep inside her heart...guess she noes wat i m tinking cos i gave her my blog add...
she sae her bf understand her well...but dey haf being together for so long liao...
we din start out as close frens....we were together for 3 mths n 19 daes...gif me more time n perhaps i will noe wat u r tinking even if u dun tell me...
i dun wan to tok to u abt anything
i jux wan to hear her real feelings deep down in her heart all these while from the dae we went to the commissioning parade together...i wan to noe how she felt den n now even when we were not together...
she asked me b4 if i will eva fight hard for the things i wan...i told her no den,
i tried recentli but it scared her off..
guess it's back to wat i believe...if it's meant to be, it will be
in her msn nick, she sae be firmed...
is she following her heart or her mind tt she sld not b so easy xin ruan...
i duno but i can sae she's v firmed now..so firm tt it's still hurting me...esp the 'i dun care' look she gave me 2dae...

breakfast

i was having breakfast dix morning...
when suddenli a tot came to my mind...
y in the 2 rs i had, e 2 gf all had a change of heart n like someone else at some pt in time...
i duno the ans...maebi i sucks as a bf ba...
or is it the norm for one party to haf a change of heart at some stage in a rs?
can someone ans me?

she sms me while i was having breakfast...she asked to meet me up for a chat..
tink she's trying to keep to her promise ba...
i got alot of qn to ask her...but maebi i had reached a stage where i duno wat else i can do...
wat's the pt of asking when maebi i dun even dare to hear some of the ans...
i duno....

going ocs for my dental ffi liao...
back to the place tt i m proud, reali proud to cum from...
To lead, To excel, To overcome

edgar scolded me jux now

slept at ard 6am ba...tot i cld slp my dae away...but woke up at 10 plus...
when i dun wan to slp, i doze off,when i desperately wan to slp, i woke up...
wat the fuck is wrong wif me...
ocs motto is : to lead to excel n to overcome...
hope it will guide me through this diff period...to overcome my pain...
i wanted to keep myself occupied..so 2dae i read newspaper...settle my psc scholarship...trying to find jobs...
i oso send an email to nuh, stating tt i wld like to b a volunteer...rather do some meaningful work den keep tinking abt someone tt jux make me so sad...
jux hope her eyes heal asap
edgar jux scolded me for being so useless...guess maebi i m reali so useless ba...
y time passes so slowli?
carn dix v dae end...

i walked a long way

i m having a v bad headache m feeling feverish now but i dun wan to write this after i woke up...i need to sae how my heart felt....i carn take it anymore....
hope tt she's willing to c me 2dae...i jux wan to c her eyes, c for myself if it's ok le...it's being some 20 daes since her eyes gana infection n i wonder y it take so long for the eyes to heal...
even if she dun wan to tok abt anything, jux gif me 30sec to c her eyes n i m contented le...
but she dun even wan to gif me the chance to do so...
i sat at a park near my hse....duno y my legs n my heart took me to this place...
this place which i termed as the saddest place in my life...it's the staircase where i gif her up jux litat....sat der....tot of the past n cried...bcame a cry babi recentli...wasn't litat in the past...maebi i m reali feeling v tong ku ba...
i took out the bdae card that she gave me, n the bdae present tt she gave me...the bdae card was in my wallet all these while since she gave it to me...perhaps it jux showed tt i reali din 4get her all these while...i looked at the card...she wrote it on the 24nov nite...3 daes after we broke up...wonder wat's her feelings when she brought the gift n write the card...
i tried to call her but she hang up on me n off her hp..tried calling her hse but they sae she's not at home when she's at home..y r dey lying to me...
i m feeling v tong ku den so i vent my pain on the wall....how i wish someone cum n hit me den, i wont retailate...i need to feel some physical pain so tt i can forget e pain in my heart, even if it's temp...she told me tt i carn nue dai myself, if not she will ignore me....but i dun care anymore..i carn nue dai myself, carn c her, carn call her....tt's so many restriction tt der's no way for me to express how i feel inside except to blog...but e pain n hurt is too much alr n blogging does help tt much compared to in the past...does she noe how much pain she is causing me...by all her demands n actions
i haf nvm tried so hard b4 to make anyone cum back to my life...she sae tt i m pushing her v hard n she's frightened....i noe i m pushing her hard...i m losing control of myself...i used to b quite a rational person, but i carn even believe e things i m doing now...
i sat outside her hse...tink i haf gone crazy den.. jux wan to c her eyes...is my demand too much?
der's a guy in her room...teaching her...wonder if it's her school fren or wat?
but where got school fren stay until 12 plus 1 am in her hse?
i dun wan to go home...so i called my parents n told dem tt something happened in camp n i wont b home until morning...felt bad lying to dem esp when i told myself tt i wan to treat my parents well n dun wish to lie to dem abt anything anymore...but i still lied to dem...forgive me papa mama...i jux dun wan to let u worried abt me....u guy haf worried for 20 yrs le...i dun u guys to worry for me anymore..tt's y i kept smiling at home...(so diff to b e normal me at home when i m so sad deep inside)....i will nvm b able to repay u papa mama...so e least i can do is to appreciate wat r doing for me n not to let u guys worried...
she slept le...i tried to call her but she dun wan to pick up the phone...
i tok abt my feelings outside her hse..duno if she can hear me...
she did hear me n she finali drew her curtain n tok to me, asking me to go home, saeing tt she's v stress, her bf is in the living rm etc...den i got e feeling tt her bf is near her, she still told me no...
until her bf showed himself...she n her bf sae she got class in e morning...she asked me to go home n she will c me some other dae...i went off but i told her tt i wont promise her tt i will go home cos i noe i wont...
nvm had i sit outside anyone's hse b4...not even e 2yrs when i m wif zhilei...tink it's a crazy thing to do...
she sae b4 tt she hope to make an impact in my life...she did n she left....
i felt so useless...she sae her bf had the knowledge to help her in her work...i dun haf e knowledge...i felt so useless...maebi such a useless guy like me sldn't b her bf...
i walked n walked...i end up at west mall...duno how long i haf walked...
brought some alcholic drinks n sit at a playgrd n drink...a lot of things were in my mind den...
i gave her up den n she sae she had gave up on this rs when i gave her up...
she's the one i reali like...but at the same time, i realise i m losing my trust in her..
i duno which sentence is true n which is fake...i swear i nvm lie to her at all....my head hurts...i m shivering...
as of now, i m at the lowest pt in my life...i wan to drag myself out of it...she got her bf to help her...i m alone...
she sld b waking up soon ba...i duno wat she did wif her bf...i may b jealous..i m not in a position to ask...my head hurts, my heart hurt even more...my eye is swollen n i m shivering...time to slp liao n slp this valentine 06 away...i dun wan to c anyone or tok to anyone..

miracle din happen 2dae

finali played bball 2dae...2wks haven touch ball liao...
tink need to season my adidas bball shoes....got abit of blisters after wearing it
eva since i saw the fireworks on fri at neptune, i wish i can c it wif her...
she was tempted but firm on her decision tt she dun wan to c it
she sae she's busy...i noe she's busy...but i m wondering if the other reason cld b tt i was the one who asked her out...
wld things b diff if i m her bf or her bf asked her out to c the fireworks?
i duno
maebi i dun dare to noe...

went for facial..tried to experiment so i took 197 der...damned super long...1 hr 15 min der abt...
sit until i sian...
after tt, it's ard 6:30pm liao...took 197 to her hse...
tot tt maebi she dun wan to go alone...after all i m the one who ask her out...so sld not let her met me der...
n tot maebi so late liao den she dun wan to go alone n hence dun wan to go...
so i went to her void deck, send her sms n wait..
hoping that miracle will happen... i tot if i tried hard enuf, miracle will happen...
she sae she like sunflower in the afternoon b4 i left hse...
wld a nite of fireworks plus a bouquet of sunflower b a beuatiful nite?
but it din happen...
i waited n waited...

e miracle din happen...
was sad n hungry when i went home...
din eat much for lunch...
tot cld catch a bite wif her maebi?
if not c her oso hapi n full even wifout eating...
it's still one of my wish to watch fireworks wif her...

had tears in my eyes again

went to c grandma 2dae...
she was v hapi to c me...tok alot to me...keep asking wat level i m studying now n how old i m...
she sae my watch v nice...n oso spend a few moments watching the bracelet i m wearing...
i ask her if she noe who i m, she sae i m her eldest grandson...not reali true
but at least she noe tt i m her grandson...i had tears in my eyes den...
y did i cried / haf tears in my eyes so easili recently huh?
tink winnie was the onli person tt saw my grandma b4...
if i eva haf a 21 bdae celebration, i will wan grandma to cum n celebrate wif me...i wan to take a foto of her wif my bdae cake n my famili....
maebi tt's my bdae wish ba

she sae tt i m quite aggressive
n it is frightening her...
maebi i sld jux let it b n hope we can b together again n not frighten her litat

ord dinner

had a ord dinner at neptune yesterdae....
basically the last time everyone of us will gathe together....n i mean everyone of us....
something like a prom nite without gers n the attire alot less formal...
but same as the prom nite, we took fotos like crazy...
luckili ks brought his camera...6 megapixels..i expect the quality to b gd den
din brought mine cos bulky n no batt...

me n ks went ard as rep from hq offrs to take fotos wif the coyline offrs...
cos among all hq offrs, we r the most well liked by the coyline....cos we neutral, fair, n humble....
so the most popular hq offrs went ard taking foto wif every coy offrs except alpha...
dey super busy...so din haf the chance...a regret....

the dinner normal lor...8 course if i din remember wrongli...but like wat s3 sae, we paid 30 bucks so dun ask for too much...e performance is ok lor...quite bad in fact...
army guys so definitely alot of female performers...
got belly dancers, a old aust singer tt sucks to the core...games...n last but not least, neptune topless show that got the men excited initiali
but after tt all start to leave liao..slowli one by one...cos reali damned boring...
n the offrs left too....+

oh ya
forgot to mention 1 thing...half way thru the dinner n performance...der's fireworks over at esplande....super nice...n i tot of her...we went der b4...but tt time we din bring camera..onli got my hp...i still remember the spot where we hug together n enjoy the breeze together...
took a foto wif ks wif the fireworks as the scene...nice foto..
but in my heart i was telling myself, how i wish it's her...i reali wish...
so i msg her to tell her der's fireworks here at esplande n she sld cum n c it...
she sae she like fireworks...but no time...i try to ask her out to watch the fireworks wif me...she sae she got no time..guess she reali busy wif her school work ba
got something in mind...hope i can do it n make her hapi...

went clubbing wif the offrs...at phuture...bravo is at zouk...phuture super crowded...carn even reali move abt
had a wonderful nite wif the offrs...dey r jux great to b wif...we danced like crazy...
gd to go der esp when i m down...wif rs prob...but not to look at gers...
to dance away the pain n to get drunk den i wont feel anything...
but the music sucks yesterdae...
i felt better when i m in der...but the pain came back once i m out of phuture...
we went to newton to eat n tok cork...
glad to noe dem this bunch of offrs frens...thx guys...

reach home at ard 3 plus...send her a msg b4 i sleep...

she sae b4

jux finish my workout...
the stupid rain spoilt my plan to go for a punishing run
but the workout oso quite punishing...
my arm n stomach ache after it...
but it doesn't hurt like the way my heart ache every moment...
i remember she ask me b4 if i believe in fighting for the things i wan...
i told her den tt 'if it's meant to be, it will be'...
so i dun believe in fighting hard for the things i wan
but now maebi my mindset change abit ba...
while if it's meant to be, it will still be...
howeva, if we wait for it to happen, waiting is a v painful process...
so y not speed up the process by trying hard n making effort to get the things i like...
now i wan to try...i dun wan to wait for her to cum back...
i wan to woo her back...can gif me the chance to do so???

now i noe how she felt den

now i noe how she felt den....
had a initial v intense chat last nite den a relac chat all the way from 12plus until 2plus...
b4 tt was a counselling session by edgar who made me realise a few things....
she sae alot of things....alot of things tt i duno
if she had told me all these in the past, i swear wif my heart n soul tt i will pay alot more attention to her n spend alot more time wif her...
y she din tell me all these....
wat edgar sae is true...
i haf being v cruel to her...
i gave her up ( when i sldn't haf gif her up to the other guy, der's no 'i gif up this ger to u' thing in a rs)....she had tears when i told her at the bus stop tt dae to forget me n go back to her ex....
i haf hurt her....reali bad...
tot e time in taiwan can help me to forget her...i reali wan to msg her, tok to her, ask her how is she, n tell her i miss her reali badly....der were times in taiwan when i looked at the sms she sent n tink of the times we had together...
but i din msg her....
edgar asked me to imagine her pain of waiting for my sms while i was in taiwan...
letting a ger wait for so long is damned painful to the ger...
she told me tt she tot i reali 4get her liao...n y i onli tell her now tt i still like her n carn forget n wan to get back wif her when she's alr wif her bf now...
she sae tt she dun wan to hurt her bf now...dun wan to c me depressed again...
duno y i got a feeling tt she's wif him partly bcos she dun wan to c him depressed...
den how abt me....
in the past she will alwaes sms me n ask me to sms her when i m free...
i dun tink i sms her tt often....waiting is a painful thing....
i m experiencing it now...waiting every moment for a call or a sms from her...
but it's not cuming...waiting is a painful process...i noe how she felt den...
i m sorry..reali sorry...i will b a gd bf if u eva gif me the chance again...

luckili i blog

tink it's lucki tt i haf a blog, if not tink i wld haf gone crazy by suffocating all my feelings inside my heart n not letting it out....
after e painful msn chat wif her in the afternoon, i went to slp...
tink i lost control of my feelings during the chat n guess it had hurt her feelings...
onli realise this after i woke up...
cos feel slightli better after my nap...n hence can tink better...with a rationale mind...
thus i msg her to tell her tt i m sorry..
den i felt it wld b better if i call her to tell her tt i m sorry...more sincere
so i called her...
she's not at home...
at tt pt of time, i wonder if she went out cos i haf hurt her..
i felt so bad..
i called her hp n she's outside watching a movie...
next thing tt cum to my mind...is she alone watching e movie ( if so, tink i hurt her alot, but she told me b4 tt she dun like to watch movie alone, jux like me )
so i dun tink so...
is she watching wif her bf?
i dun wan to noe...
everytime when i tot of her, i m tinking of wat's she doing now n it reali hurt when i kept tinking tt she's wif her bf...
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
in wat ways i carn b comapred to her current bf...
keep tinking abt the v dae surprise tt i had in mind for her...
it's sad tt i can onli tink n not show it to her....................
i m now sad, hurt n i m losing control of myself.........

i m reali v hurt

2dae is wed...now the time is 3:35pm
yesterdae was one of my hapiest dae in the bn...
n now right at this moment, i m v hurt...
was chatting wif her....
sldn't haf chatted wif her in the first place...
y y y did i wan to chat wif her...

v dae is cuming n i reali duno wat will happen to me when tt dae cum...
go into hiding? go into hibernation? go back to camp n hide? run till far far away?
i duno how to face tt dae
i dun wan to face it...
y did i wan to ask if she has brought her v dae present liao anot...
y did i wan to touch on tt topic
yyyyyyyy

m i still holding on to the hope tt i can celebrate v dae wif her?
i tink so ba
but the tot is v painful
n yet i carn stop myself from tinking...

ord parade

went back to camp even thou i m on leave 2dae...
cos 2dae got ord parade n heard wt, ernest n rod need help...
so since i brother brother wif dem, how can i leave my brothers in the lurch...n watch dem suffer when dey sld oso b clearing leave like me...
n i guess 2dae was one of my hapiest dae in 6sir...

slag for almost one whole dae, den start to get busy at ard 4 plus 5 litat...
e march was not too bad n tink the slow march was reali the highlight...
while quite funny for dem to do slow march in no4, but guess it was a gd experience for dem n dey were proud to show it in front of their parents...
2 yrs of ns n dey showed tt dey had matured n can do it...
salute to the men...

it's jux so enjoyable to work wif the dys n tok cork with the coyline offfrs....
dey r one of the greatest bunch of guys i have eva worked wif....
sometimes we quarrel, cos of diff mindset n working style...
but we r still frens ( except for certain grp wif ernest n certain grp wif bp )...
but to me, dey r still nice guys...

i reali hate e unit itself, for the way it's run now...
i reali wished to hack care everything....cos i reali hate the place...
but guess it's the pple der tt will still make me miss dix place...the frens tt i have made...
the shit n sufferings we went thru...
so like wat terrence said, while i hate e unit, guess i will still miss it....same here...

still tinking abt her....esp 2dae...reali almost every moment even when i m doing my work...
how i wish i can celebrate v dae wif her...
i had in mind a beautiful surprise...
will it happen?
i duno...maebi i can dream abt it ba if tt makes me feel better...

last nite, we chatted online...in one of her msg, she called me 'sweetie'...
y called me tt when we r frens now...did she typed it subconciously?
i duno...
i wan to ask her....i got alot of qn to ask her...

i cried again

went to winnie hse in the morning
her right eye still quite bad, but at least she took out her bandage liao
left eye looks ok to me...when i saw her, i duno how to describe the feelings i had...
reali regret gifing her up jux litat
i dun like to regret...we sat der on her sofa n chat
den after tt duno how we ended chatting in her room...
jux b4 i left, i hugged her...i cldn't control myself...n den i pour my feelings out
the feelings tt i kept inside myself for v long...tink i mux haf scared her...we hugged for a while
i carn control myself n she said tt we carn carry on hugging as we will committ other mistakes tt we dun wan to...
she asked y i still carn forget her...i oso duno y my feelings for her is so strong...it's nvm dix strong in the past...perhaps bcos i haf lost her now n i duno how to treasure her in the past?
i took super fast to forget zhilei even thou it was a 2 yrs relationship...dix one is onli 3 mth n 19 dae...perhaps bcos i m realii comfortable when i m wif winnie...perhaps i din bother to try to find other gers i like...i oso carn reali ans her n myself...but tink i haf found an ans after i watched 'i m not stupid too' in the afternoon with mom n sis....

e last time i cried was when i gave up her...carn remember any movie tt made me shed tears 3 times...i tried to control but carn
a v gd movie...realistic...maebi i cried bcos i can relate the movie to my life...
tink alot of parents have communication prob wif their children....e mentality of ' nagging, scolding, caning = care ' is perhaps outdated...u need to walk into their hearts n b frens wif dem
easier said den done...while i have always luv babies, i m quite scared of having a child of my own...duno if i can handle him....
if i haf watch this show earlier, maebi i wld haf chose to b a teacher or a saf regular...
there's no pt earning so much $ n not doing something meaningful...to me, it's gd enuf if i can live comfortably...
it will certainly b super satisfying if i can haf a positive influence on someone's life...like wat happen in the movie..
but dun tink i m cut out to b a teacher...
saf regular..i duno...tink all pple r kind-hearted by nature..n no matter how bad a guy is when he's schooling, he will some what bcum a better person after ns...
tt's something tt i like abt ns...but after wat i haf seen, i m disappointed...cos i dun reali c regulars caring for the life's of the man..tink it's the nsf comds tt care more..i may b wrong...n i certainli hope so...
ltc wong sae i sldn't let my disappointment affect my values n belief n gave up on hope...
i m trying hard...
maebi i can relate to the cripple father in the movie...
reminded me of my father...not bcos he's crippled..but bcos, while i noe he reali luv me, perhaps like the character in the movie, he duno how to show it in a manner tt i can accept...
i mux learnt how to appreciate the care my parents have been showering on me...
i dun like to regret n i dun wan to...
lastli, tink the movie made me realise y i like her so much...
tink in any relationship, communication is v impt...
i feel i can communicate wif her...feel she's my soulmate...someone whom i can reali tok to...
even des n gang isn't reali my soulmate...tink dix is y i felt so comfortable in the relationship tt i hate to give up ba...
she's my soulmate...e onli one i had found in 20yrs...
but it takes 2 hands to clap...tink i m not her soulmate ba...
she said tt she's hapi wif her life now n hapi being wif her bf...
maebi she found her soulmate in him?
like the way i found my soulmate in her...
while i haf lost her...is it a bit late to noe y i reali like her so much...
i guess so ba

tink i mux go starbucks again...
too many things haf happened n i suddenli not sure wat's the path in front of me n how i sld lead my life...
i will sort it out...

sick

finali i fall sick on the 4dae of cny 06...
haiz..quite high fever...
was a s3 hse when i start to feel sick...so left earli n saw ben at je..
chat abit...duno y suddenli i start to have a bit of hatred for this gang of frens...
tink my patience oso haf a limit ba
seem like i m always at the centre of their jokes..
or sld i sae tt i m their joke n atm machine?
expect me to pay everytime we go out....
dey r still expecting me to gif a treat, a treat tt i own dem for commissioning
first, i commissioned on my own efforts...
second, i cld haf reali treat dem if dey cum for my commissioning parade...but none of dem bother to cum...
third, ching n craig oso commissioned...y did dey bother me onli?
i dun understand..i m a bit frustrated at this kind of treatment tt i m getting
i duno how long can i take it anymore