i walked a long way

i m having a v bad headache m feeling feverish now but i dun wan to write this after i woke up...i need to sae how my heart felt....i carn take it anymore....
hope tt she's willing to c me 2dae...i jux wan to c her eyes, c for myself if it's ok le...it's being some 20 daes since her eyes gana infection n i wonder y it take so long for the eyes to heal...
even if she dun wan to tok abt anything, jux gif me 30sec to c her eyes n i m contented le...
but she dun even wan to gif me the chance to do so...
i sat at a park near my hse....duno y my legs n my heart took me to this place...
this place which i termed as the saddest place in my life...it's the staircase where i gif her up jux litat....sat der....tot of the past n cried...bcame a cry babi recentli...wasn't litat in the past...maebi i m reali feeling v tong ku ba...
i took out the bdae card that she gave me, n the bdae present tt she gave me...the bdae card was in my wallet all these while since she gave it to me...perhaps it jux showed tt i reali din 4get her all these while...i looked at the card...she wrote it on the 24nov nite...3 daes after we broke up...wonder wat's her feelings when she brought the gift n write the card...
i tried to call her but she hang up on me n off her hp..tried calling her hse but they sae she's not at home when she's at home..y r dey lying to me...
i m feeling v tong ku den so i vent my pain on the wall....how i wish someone cum n hit me den, i wont retailate...i need to feel some physical pain so tt i can forget e pain in my heart, even if it's temp...she told me tt i carn nue dai myself, if not she will ignore me....but i dun care anymore..i carn nue dai myself, carn c her, carn call her....tt's so many restriction tt der's no way for me to express how i feel inside except to blog...but e pain n hurt is too much alr n blogging does help tt much compared to in the past...does she noe how much pain she is causing me...by all her demands n actions
i haf nvm tried so hard b4 to make anyone cum back to my life...she sae tt i m pushing her v hard n she's frightened....i noe i m pushing her hard...i m losing control of myself...i used to b quite a rational person, but i carn even believe e things i m doing now...
i sat outside her hse...tink i haf gone crazy den.. jux wan to c her eyes...is my demand too much?
der's a guy in her room...teaching her...wonder if it's her school fren or wat?
but where got school fren stay until 12 plus 1 am in her hse?
i dun wan to go home...so i called my parents n told dem tt something happened in camp n i wont b home until morning...felt bad lying to dem esp when i told myself tt i wan to treat my parents well n dun wish to lie to dem abt anything anymore...but i still lied to dem...forgive me papa mama...i jux dun wan to let u worried abt me....u guy haf worried for 20 yrs le...i dun u guys to worry for me anymore..tt's y i kept smiling at home...(so diff to b e normal me at home when i m so sad deep inside)....i will nvm b able to repay u papa mama...so e least i can do is to appreciate wat r doing for me n not to let u guys worried...
she slept le...i tried to call her but she dun wan to pick up the phone...
i tok abt my feelings outside her hse..duno if she can hear me...
she did hear me n she finali drew her curtain n tok to me, asking me to go home, saeing tt she's v stress, her bf is in the living rm etc...den i got e feeling tt her bf is near her, she still told me no...
until her bf showed himself...she n her bf sae she got class in e morning...she asked me to go home n she will c me some other dae...i went off but i told her tt i wont promise her tt i will go home cos i noe i wont...
nvm had i sit outside anyone's hse b4...not even e 2yrs when i m wif zhilei...tink it's a crazy thing to do...
she sae b4 tt she hope to make an impact in my life...she did n she left....
i felt so useless...she sae her bf had the knowledge to help her in her work...i dun haf e knowledge...i felt so useless...maebi such a useless guy like me sldn't b her bf...
i walked n walked...i end up at west mall...duno how long i haf walked...
brought some alcholic drinks n sit at a playgrd n drink...a lot of things were in my mind den...
i gave her up den n she sae she had gave up on this rs when i gave her up...
she's the one i reali like...but at the same time, i realise i m losing my trust in her..
i duno which sentence is true n which is fake...i swear i nvm lie to her at all....my head hurts...i m shivering...
as of now, i m at the lowest pt in my life...i wan to drag myself out of it...she got her bf to help her...i m alone...
she sld b waking up soon ba...i duno wat she did wif her bf...i may b jealous..i m not in a position to ask...my head hurts, my heart hurt even more...my eye is swollen n i m shivering...time to slp liao n slp this valentine 06 away...i dun wan to c anyone or tok to anyone..