now i noe wat i m missing

tink tt i forgot to write something in my blog e other time but i jux carn remember wat is it
but now i do

saw my cousins bring their gf or bf to cny
i was quite envious of dem
maebi if i m still wif winnie, i wld haf brought her to my grandma hse (thou she's having eye infection now)
haiz....
still carn reali 4get her...
y?
i duno

an average cny 06

first 2 daes of cny 06 had past...normal lor, average n abit boring
wonder if i will feel so sad like last yr...
dun tink i did..
grandma was more hapi dix yr....was so hapi to c everyone, esp e kids....
but tink her stomach got 'feng', n hence she's not so comfortable and for a short period of time, she kept saeing she wan to go home...or sld i sae go back to e old folks home....
her mood got better when she got some fruits to eat..den had dinner b4 she went back to old folks home...
time flies...tink grandma stayed at the old folks home for 1 yr plus liao

went for a run on e second dae of cny...need to burn some fats
played some card game...3rd aunt won alot...
but same as last yr, where has all e $ gone?
how cum it seem tt more $ was lost den those won?
kids were so noisy...
carn stand dem

so disappointed

dix wk, i reflect alot...
all bcos of 1 incident where me, rod and woo tien gana fuck by s3 for not clearing soc...
suddenli dix whole bn is abt results...nothing but results...e same dae, chief clerk bitch abt a mistake tt s3 br made n she's worried abt her hr audit results....

i m not a result-oriented person and i nvm will be...
if u tell me tt passing my soc is for my own gd, i will pass it..
but if u tell me tt passing soc is jux for the results, i wont do it cos e emphasis is wrong..
result sld onli b a by-product,
if all believe tt passing soc is for their own gd, all will pass soc and the results will b gd, not e other way round..

n dun tell me offr dun pass soc no pride..n dun jux tell tt to the 2LTs...
when the cpts and maj haven pass their own soc, so they got pride?
dun set double standards..

bcos of the wrong emphasis on results, pple start to cheat...some noe how to cheat, some dun
so some got caught and some got away scot-free....
when we commissioned, we swear tt ' i will seve with pride, honour and INTEGRITY'
but after 1 yr of experience as a commissioned officer, tink the officer core is the one tt dun have much integrity...
sms audit, LRI, hr audit...almost all the documentations are faked...all for e sake of results...
tinking back, how i wish i din fake those things and made the safety syst in the bn look so gd when it is not so gd in the first place...
i felt disgraced and tt i have been a bad officer that doesn't hold on to my moral values and the things i swear by when i commissioned on 23rd jan...

tinking back, y did i choose to b an officer? cos i wan to make a difference...i m not a regular, i m onli an NSF and i jux wan to serve the nation well during my NSF time...
i did not acheive wat i wan...i haf been blinded by the need and pressure to make the bn look gd tt i forgot the main reason of becoming an officer...i m given the rank to make the diference n to correct things tt i tink it's wrong

i m going to pass my soc b4 i let out my feelings...S2 n wong weng kong noe how i feel...
hope it's not too late to atone for my wrongdoings...
now i have seen the light and it's v clear to me wat i wan to do
i dun wan to do any more things tt is against my values and the reason y i commissioned..
i dun haf much time left...i will try to make a difference and correct the things tt i tink it's wrong...i dun care abt the consequences...

i dun believe tt results is so FUCKING impt

tink i jux clash wif the current nature of the bn....
suddenli everyone is toking abt results....nothing but results....
wat the fuck...
is results reali so impt??? i dun tink so right from the start and i m firm abt it....

2dae was a fuck up dae for me...
together wif rod n woo tien, we got fuck by s3
for the fact that we haven pass our soc...
if i can feel that passing soc is good for myself, if it's for my welfare, i will pass it...
but the onli feeling i got is that i m onli a tool to help the bn do well...
but seriousli if u ask me, the bn dun deserve to do well...
sms audit n hr audit achieve gd results...
but do we deserve these gd results???
no, in fact, i felt that i dun have integrity...
cos i fake all those things to get the gd results...
hence my strong desire not to pass my soc...

if u need to use those despicable means to make me pass my soc,
be prepared that it may backfire cos i got nothing to lose...
because of all these craziness over results, pple resort to cheating,
some can cheat well but some carn....hence while some dun get caught, others were caught for cheating..
it's a sad fact to c this happening in the bn...in the saf when we kept toking abt integrity...
bull shitttt....

i had enuf of this bn and i jux wan to leave...

yet an other dae

went to c grandma 2dae...
haven seen her for quite some time
but she was sleeping when i was der and i dun wan to wake her up...
so i jux sat der watching her slp...
was surprised to c nigel at the old folks home too...
his grandma was der...thou tt's besides the pt...
new yr is coming again....tink grandma sld be going back home on this dae...
memories of last yr new yr is still vivid in my mind...
hope history dun repeat itself...
i dun wan to c her sad face...
like wat i sae last yr, she dun deserve dix treatment.

oso went to c jie jie 2dae...
haven visit her for reali super long....she look ok to me....
hope her dad will get well soon

went for my second facial too...
jux hope to get rid of my acne...
carn stand dem...

recentli got f*** by co and i m damned pissed...
i dun like to get f*** for something tt's not my mistake...
reali dun wan to work for him....
god, i jux wan to get out of this bn...

2dae sucks

3rd dae of 2006 and i tink 2dae i reali got no luck
first, apply leave liao den co tell me cos (ops) cuming to c my ops rm
need to cum back to present to him...carn throw my understudy to die litat
den supposed to buy ezlink card for my sis but close liao
cos stuck in camp bcos of the stupid rain
all bcos the co change my ops rm again

den i wan to top u my ezlink card but all e machine carn take my onli 10 dollar note
so wan to go draw money
den queue for so long liao den e lady in front sae machine spoilt liao
carn believe my luck 2dae lor
let's hope e yr will get better

i luv 4gians

haven blog for a super long time
carn remember when's the last time i blog...
but it doesn't matter

spend my new yr eve and new yr wif the guys and the 4gians respectively
had a great feast on both daes
spent a few hrs on new yr eve at enyu's hse after dinner
drank a bottle of wine while playing some card game...
simple but quite fun

new yr was spent wif the gers aka xy, apple and christ and the guys aka des, enyu n ch
tink eva since hj moved hse, it was reali inconvenient for her to join us when our gatherings sometimes are in the west...somehow or rather felt that she's a bit left out during xmas eve gathering at her hse...
mayb new yr reunion dinner go her hse ba...
c how things go lor
the fish n co dinner at the glasshse opo ps was great
haven ate fish n co for quite some time liao
thou we din do anything much, jux a dinner and a drink at cine, it feels great...
like wat apple sae, it's the company that counts
dey sae tt i will b e first to get attach in uni among e guys...
maebi...haha
jux glad to haf dem in my life...
tink i had found my true frens...
frens tt will nvm leave me....